The Next Best Thing to the Titter; The Bikini Bar

I love the bikini bar. I'm not talking about a skrip club. For the record, I am also a fan of the skrip clubs. Only skrip clubs tend to require a commitment. Not the bikini bar. No matter what time of day or what day of the week, you can always count me in for a trip to the bikini bar. If your hoping for the next Hooters to pop up in your town, wait! You may be missing out on the greatest little town gem this side of the millenia. Take a stroll down Plymouth Rd, in Livonia, MI. You won't be disappointed.

For those of you not familiar with the BB, I'll explain the concept (although its pretty self explanatory). The "bikini bar" is a bar where the waitstaff is dressed up in bikinis. Everyday, year round. Now, there are variation of said Bikini attire which adds to the amusement of these establishments, which I'll get into later. Regardless of what the variation is, it has never let me down. If you have never been to one of these fantastic places, or if your state or area is too prudish for such antics, I feel sorry for you. Bikini bars can save a marriage, grow friendships, feed you and entertain you all at once. They may be the sleaziest form of grace to man, but one thing is for sure. No matter what was your state of mind going in, it will always be better going out.

Here are my points in favor of the bikini bar, in no particular order:

1) Your wife/girlfriend will not be as mad if you go to the B.B. as if you went to the Titter. Unless your significant other happens to be a skripper or is bi. Even if your better half says she doesn't care if you go to the skrip (for those of you few guys lucky enough to tag that doe), believe me when every time you go and think its cool that you call her up and say, "Hey babe, me and John are heading to Tits McGee's for a brew" she's stacking those chips in her mental poker chip tray. And one day, many years from now she will cash in those chips and all hell will break loose. Count on it, nothing is free. We do after all live in a Capitalistic society. This relates to my earlier note of how this can save a marriage.

2) Even if the chicks are ugly. There's bound to be something there to amuse you or pique your interest. A set of nice tatas, a pair of long legs, long blonde hair, chicks in flip flops; something will strike your fancy.

3) Sports. Yes, typically these places are sports bars and thus have TVs and sports on all the time. ESPN-TNA. If your lucky you might find The Ocho, too.

4) Booze.

5) Golden Tee. Now this isn't a given. Its more like a 60/40 split. But if you happen to find one with GT in it. More power to ya. Cuz that BB is a step up in terms of talent and amusement, if you catch my drift. And that's a given.

6) Beer specials. Self explantory. See #4.

7) Food specials. See #6.

8) Seasonal attire. As mentioned before. This only adds to the intelligence of the owners of BBs because they know how to keep it fresh. For Christmas, you'll have Santa's Helpers. For Halloween, you can find naughty witches. And every now and again they may have a "lingerie night." Which is my fave. Never boring and always evolving. Keep me guessing and I'll keep coming back. Love it.

9) New waitstaff. New things to look at.

10) Friends like going there. And so do you. Keep those friendships alive with a common place to hang out and be guys. You nearly get your man card renewed every time you enter one of these places. And that goes for if its good or not. Here's why; if its a good BB, chicks are hot, the food is good and the tellys are abundant, you gotta place to chill and take it easy. If it happens to be a serious dive (which I should state most of BBs I've been to are dives or borderline dives, its in their nature to be) you had the balls to walk in and that gives you some courage. Soak it in tough guy, it only made you better for it.

And that's my list. BBs are tits. Try one on your next lunch break and feel like a man. The next time you pass a Hooters, you'll find yourself laughing at all those suckers in there thinking they're manning up. They're only afraid to travel on your road "Real Man Avenue," and for that they get orange pants and high beer prices. I'll take thigh highs and $2 20oz draft Bud Light. Suckers.