H Bar's Fractal

Bobby Fischer: Found... Dead

2008-01-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

Looks like they found Bobby Fischer. At least I hope they did and its not just some report of his death and he's rotting somewhere now and no one knows where. Dang, that would be a nasty smell after some time.

Which reminds me of a great sign I saw with my friends, Bryan and Jeremy, yesterday in Detroit. On Washington Blvd, on the way back from the North American International Auto Show, we passed this desolate building with a abandoned textile store. The lone sign posted behind some tinted glass read "What a Great Smell." I don't know what it was referring to, and there wasn't a restaurant near there. Hmm. Anway, I digress.

Back to Bob, I guess they have answered the question posed at the end of the movie, Searching For Bobby Fischer. I guess it wasn't such a big deal; looking for this guy. Man, I feel gipped cuz of this movie.

In conclusion, rest in peace Bob. Now its on to that great chess match in the sky, against the Supreme Ultimate Grand Champion; God. See if you can take him.

Looks like we've found the great Bobby Fischer. (Mitch Albom fans may cheer now)

Dad of the Month Awarded to...

2008-01-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

Some Jersey dad straps his 7 year old down with tape and forces him to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey. He's been arrested for doing said act to his kid. My question is, why? Why be arrested? And what's the kid's problem?

This dude's trying to raise a winner. He's not looking raise a pu$$y. Its not like it was a Detroit Lions jersey he was puttin on his boy. Now that's grounds for child abuse, people. Check the article.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,323368,00.html

Brad Renfro: Resurrecting His Career... Too Late

2008-01-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

wikimedia.org

Brad Renfro has passed away, of what appears to be a drug overdose. *golf clap* For those of you who don't know who Brad was, take a look at the pic above. He's the kid. Promising young acting career. A few good flicks. And then, BAM! His new friend, smack. Time to dance with Mr. Brownstone. Oh yeah!.

Brad here went on bender after bender. Getting drunk and high. Getting arrested for dope and alcohol abuse. Hit the rehab circuit, and even got tossed in jail for jackin a boat in FL with a buddy. Guess the roles weren't pourin in and he gotta get that fix, man. This is sad. Is there not a single f'ing person on watch over there? And no, not like a hired entourage pal or publicist. Someone more like, um, his mom? Dad? Family of any kind? Damn.

Ok, I'm over it. Notch another death in the "I don't give a sh!t" tragedy column. This kid hasn't gotten a headline since his last stint in the slammer. Tap a vein pal!

Now, on to a more interesting death notice. The countdown to Britney's implosion. That's one I'll be sincere about. Cuz she gots kidz.

Alexander Ovechkin: Jagr or Yashin?

2008-01-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

onfrozenblog.com

Alexander Ovechkin is one of the dopest hockey players I've ever seen play. And I wish him luck in his career. This week he signed a record breaking $300 Billion dollar deal to play with the Washington Capitals "till the cows come home." Will he live that long?

Will he be the next Yashin or the next Jagr?

Jagr got paid something sick, like $285 million (In 1999, or sometime near there was when he signed that contract, which my todays inflation would be close to $150 billion) to play with the Caps for 96 years (maybe 97?). He got dumped by the Caps cuz he got too expensive and he's now with the Rangers. Good for him.

Yashin got paid phat too. They Islanders gave him half of Staton Island, and $50 million a year for 22 years. I ask you, how many of you have heard of Alexei Yashin? Hmm? Guess where he's at now? Yup, Siberia. Playing for the Russian National Polar Bear Team. I hear he's centering a line with Knut and putting up record numbers.

My point is niether have lived up to the potential. Jagr was going to save the Caps, who were swept in the Stanley Cup finals to Detroit in 98. They go and get Jagr in 01, and sign him to a huge deal. They end up letting him go to the Rangers in a trade because he was too costly to own. Well, I'm glad the CBA is in agreement now, its there to protect teams like the Caps who don't know how to run a business and keep them from obliterating themselves. Go Gary Bettman! Lets hope this time the Caps get it right and hold on to Ovechkin for more than 2 years, a la Jagr. Good business move guys.

Yashin was all the rage coming out of Ottawa in the 90's. He signs with the Islanders to "retarded money" for a "retardedly long time." Within the next year the Isles realized they eff'd up and tried like hell to move him. I think he eventually went to the bathroom during a game in 2005, proceeded to walk out the building, go home, pack, and leave for Russia with a reported 247 pairs of Levi's. Teammates reported his penchant for denim and the Gap. For all we know, from behind the Iron Curtain could be a Yap, Yashin's version of the Gap for the new children of Glasnost. Regardless, he's not in the NHL, and no one misses him. Money well spent.

To wrap this up, I hope Ovechkin the best. Ted Leonsis (Capitals GM) better have his head on straight. He just paid this kid enough money to buy St. Petersburg and lets hope he doesn't decide to leave the NHL to do it. Ovechkin is the kind of player worth this money, but time after time it seems more often than not, contracts of this money and length don't help the team. Leonsis wanted to avoid having Ovechkin turn 27 and be an unrestricted freee agent. Well, I think that you have to gauge player worth now and not in 6 years. If thats how you do biz Ted, would you mind mortgaging my house for me? I'm looking for that 150 year term. Shake on it?

Wait a sec, what do I care? Its not my dough. Man, I'm not deleting this sh*t now. Rant out.

The Next Best Thing to the Titter; The Bikini Bar

2008-01-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

I love the bikini bar. I'm not talking about a skrip club. For the record, I am also a fan of the skrip clubs. Only skrip clubs tend to require a commitment. Not the bikini bar. No matter what time of day or what day of the week, you can always count me in for a trip to the bikini bar. If your hoping for the next Hooters to pop up in your town, wait! You may be missing out on the greatest little town gem this side of the millenia. Take a stroll down Plymouth Rd, in Livonia, MI. You won't be disappointed.

For those of you not familiar with the BB, I'll explain the concept (although its pretty self explanatory). The "bikini bar" is a bar where the waitstaff is dressed up in bikinis. Everyday, year round. Now, there are variation of said Bikini attire which adds to the amusement of these establishments, which I'll get into later. Regardless of what the variation is, it has never let me down. If you have never been to one of these fantastic places, or if your state or area is too prudish for such antics, I feel sorry for you. Bikini bars can save a marriage, grow friendships, feed you and entertain you all at once. They may be the sleaziest form of grace to man, but one thing is for sure. No matter what was your state of mind going in, it will always be better going out.

Here are my points in favor of the bikini bar, in no particular order:

1) Your wife/girlfriend will not be as mad if you go to the B.B. as if you went to the Titter. Unless your significant other happens to be a skripper or is bi. Even if your better half says she doesn't care if you go to the skrip (for those of you few guys lucky enough to tag that doe), believe me when every time you go and think its cool that you call her up and say, "Hey babe, me and John are heading to Tits McGee's for a brew" she's stacking those chips in her mental poker chip tray. And one day, many years from now she will cash in those chips and all hell will break loose. Count on it, nothing is free. We do after all live in a Capitalistic society. This relates to my earlier note of how this can save a marriage.

2) Even if the chicks are ugly. There's bound to be something there to amuse you or pique your interest. A set of nice tatas, a pair of long legs, long blonde hair, chicks in flip flops; something will strike your fancy.

3) Sports. Yes, typically these places are sports bars and thus have TVs and sports on all the time. ESPN-TNA. If your lucky you might find The Ocho, too.

4) Booze.

5) Golden Tee. Now this isn't a given. Its more like a 60/40 split. But if you happen to find one with GT in it. More power to ya. Cuz that BB is a step up in terms of talent and amusement, if you catch my drift. And that's a given.

6) Beer specials. Self explantory. See #4.

7) Food specials. See #6.

8) Seasonal attire. As mentioned before. This only adds to the intelligence of the owners of BBs because they know how to keep it fresh. For Christmas, you'll have Santa's Helpers. For Halloween, you can find naughty witches. And every now and again they may have a "lingerie night." Which is my fave. Never boring and always evolving. Keep me guessing and I'll keep coming back. Love it.

9) New waitstaff. New things to look at.

10) Friends like going there. And so do you. Keep those friendships alive with a common place to hang out and be guys. You nearly get your man card renewed every time you enter one of these places. And that goes for if its good or not. Here's why; if its a good BB, chicks are hot, the food is good and the tellys are abundant, you gotta place to chill and take it easy. If it happens to be a serious dive (which I should state most of BBs I've been to are dives or borderline dives, its in their nature to be) you had the balls to walk in and that gives you some courage. Soak it in tough guy, it only made you better for it.

And that's my list. BBs are tits. Try one on your next lunch break and feel like a man. The next time you pass a Hooters, you'll find yourself laughing at all those suckers in there thinking they're manning up. They're only afraid to travel on your road "Real Man Avenue," and for that they get orange pants and high beer prices. I'll take thigh highs and $2 20oz draft Bud Light. Suckers.

The Nobel PEACE Prize

2007-12-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, I got a beef. It is with the Nobel people and their recipient of the Peace Prize in 2007.

Since when does the Peace Prize go to someone who brought awarness of "climate change" to the world? In fact, didn't Ira Einhorn come up with this? Where's his prize? Go Unicorn!

Les Miles is a sissy.

2007-12-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know the man, Les Miles. I have never met him. I have no connection to him other than I graduated from Michigan and so did he. I have never played football other than in a school yard during recess or in the street on the block. I don't know much about him other than he played football at Michigan under Bo, graduated, got a job in a trucking company and left that to coach with Bo, and eventually ended up in Acadiana coaching a National Championship caliber team from the Bayou.

All this rambling requires one fact to be true: Les Miles wanted to coach Michigan. The rest that follows is the biggest blunder of weak ass sissies I ever did see (its also pretty harsh criticism, but I don't care).

With that said, I have total faith in myself to make this conclusion. Les Miles is a sissy. I hate to draw this out, but try to stay with me as to why?

The two Michigan men I have watched (Bo and Lloyd) took honor in the chance to coach Michigan. They went through a selection process and got their positions out of faith in the Michigan way and it paid off, honorably with fabled college gridiron stories that will and do make them larger than life. They had the balls to accept that. Bo and Lloyd were not handed their jobs. Strength, persevearence and courage got them what they wanted. It helped get them the goals they set for themselves and their teams. Those goals gave them honor and respect, which will give them immortality. Defining charateristics of a "man."

Les Miles didn't want to leave LSU unless Michigan broke the NCAA rules and made him an under the table type offer (that screams integrity). Once push came to shove, he didn't stand for what he wanted to do. Not even his 30 year buddy John Wangler would have doubted his desire to coach Michigan. This dude was in his wedding party. What were Les Miles' goals?

Backtalking about how much he loved Michigan and felt that was his home?

Maybe.

Tradition?

Nope, it appears it was simple... money and cowardice.

So, Les would rather have Michigan break the rules and coddle him and "give" him the job without a selection process. That's a bit arrogant and childish. BCS champ or not. That's being a sissy, not a man. He's not willing to take a chance and let it ride for what he believes in. Come on Les. Lookin a little dishonest aren't ya? If you really didn't want the gig, you would have came out and had the same pissed off presser that you had before and after the SEC championship game right after the announcement of Lloyd retiring. In it you would have told everyone to suck it and LSU is your "home." But you didn't, did you? Your name was in lights and you loved it. Real men don't call that kind of attention to themselves, only sissy whores do.

ESPN and other game day channel analysts love to make comments like, "You can tell he learned what he knows from Bo." SEC commentators only wish that this statement was at all remotely true. Gary Danielson can eat a dick. Bo would have punched Les right in the grill for acting like such a sissy. He prolly would have told him if you want something, you gotta fight for it. Life isn't fair and nothing worth wanting and having is free, sometime you gotta make a stand and stop being a sissy. EAD.

In conclusion, Les could wipe the floor with my ass. He'd prolly make me eat my teeth. But so what, that tough guy played out like a bitch. If he wanted the job, stand up and fight for it. And tell LSU to back off and when I'm ready to do what I wanna do, I'll do it. What? Was LSU gonna really go out and get someone better? Doubt it. He had more pull over LSU than anyone else did. He was afraid to use it. He was a sissy. I don't hate Les, I wish him the best. But he's no "Michigan Man" and I used to think that was some outdated BS. I apologize. Here's a list of the best Michigan men ever:

Lloyd

The Six Million Dollar Man

Magnum P.I.

Mork

James "The Voice of Vader" Earl Jones

Oh, and Kirk Herbstreit, I figured you would have the balls to tell ESPN to shove it and not report such a bogus POS story. Stand up and tell them you got integrity and you are not gonna compromise you're beliefs for a cheap tabloid-esque story... wait what am I saying. No, Kirk bitched out the only way he knew how, on his knees. He is, of course nothing but a Buckeye.

The New Wave in Gaming... New Jack is the Real Hero

2007-12-04T08:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, I don't have a video game system. I have had them and I do love the living crap outta them. But its been some time since I've owned one and I apparently have missed out on the radest thing to hit the streets since Garbage Pail Kids... Guitat Hero.

In honor of my New Jack post and to show love to those who should be rep'd to the fullest, with some Force MD's if you will (pun intended!). I have to get the ball rolling on the next video game smash to hit the Japanese Pop Culture. KEYTAR HERO

This is not revolutionary in the least, it would be the same as Guitar Hero, but with a Keytar. For those of you not hip to the Keytar, Youtube any Janet Jackson late 80's video or the Jets and you'll get an eyeful of the forgotten New Jack equivalent to the 5 finger ring, or for the youngsters of today its like an iced out platinum chain.

Tracks to jam to include Tony Toni Tone, Heavy D and the Boyz, Janet Jackson, Guy, EnVogue and Johnny Gill. There would also be a ton of unlockable jams to get once you progress to Teddy Riley and Jimmy Jam status.

So for those out there who can make it happen, DO IT! I'm ready to get my sexy on!

The Originator... Yakov Smirnoff

2007-10-11T07:33:00.001-07:00

"We have no gay people in Russia—there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that." - America on Six Rubles a Day; Smirnoff, Yakov; 1987

The 80's had a very fascinating place in time and a very special relationship with Pop Culture. It was the Cold War, and we were afraid of anything Red. The most amazing thing about this fear was that Pop Culture gave us an amazing look into a staple that started in 1984. It was a small film named "Moscow on the Hudson," and the man was Yakov Smirnoff. The impact was the hilarity of Eastern European/Russian Mockery Comedy, and for that we thank you.

Before Borat blew up on the scene. Before Balky Bartakamos rolled into Chi-town. We had the Originator, Yakov Smirnoff. He had a small role in Moscow and he eventually took that to the next level. He cashed in on the whole accent and beard schtick. He was everywhere back in the day: movies, HBO, MTV, all the major media outlets back in the 80's. Chest hair, gold chains, bad anecdotes, crazy Russian hats, it was all his. He made the catch phrase of the decade for all immigrants, "What a country!"

Where did it all go? As we know Borat is the new Yakov. Yakov has moved to Branson, MO and is an artist. He got his Masters from some University (Psychology). He still does some comedy, but its safe to say he's out of the comedy game, but he deserves a "good game" from all comedy fans. He has become that typical American. But he had given us a style of comedy has not waned. It has moved on. But not without him because in the end, if it wasn't for my man, I think the Cold War would still be on. Thank you, for teaching us that in Russia, well, it sucked.

So, in closing I just want to say that this shit got really old BTW. Its almost good that all that Russian crap ended when it did. Rocky 4, Moscow on the Hudson, Red Heat, Rambo 3, Russkies, Glasnost, Peristroika, The Berlin Wall, We Didn't Start the Fire, White Nights, No Way Out, Little Nikita, Scorpions' Winds of Change, etc., etc. The list can go on for freaking ever. Yeah, I think we got it. Russia was the bad guy and we kicked some ass. Yay! I'm just glad that now we moved on to making the bad guys Terrorists from the Middle East. They at least dress up like ninjas, which makes them way more villainous.

New Jack Swing: Did We Forget The Hits?

2007-10-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

image courtesty of njs4e.com

New Jack Swing (NJS) was all the rage for me and my friends growin up. My buddys' site, Stove Capital, has a great article on NJS. Check that site often, they typically have the lowdown on whats going on in music. They got more news on whats hot on the block than that prying old lady in your bushes. Much love to the Dubs.

Back to NJS. Its amazing how awesome the tandem of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis were. They were the precursors to P.Diddy and Timbaland. In fact, Jam and Lewis ran it harder and bigger, and better. Get them a new set of keytars and let the BBD and B2M (Boyz 2 Men) pour out the speakers.

Right now I'd like to raise a glass to NJS. Make it a round of Martini and Rossi, pass it our to my Posse and check New Jack Swing 4 Ever. Cuz Heavy D is still on it, and he ain't doin bad.

And if you don't believe my JJ&TL statement earlier, check the credits at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Jam_and_Terry_Lewis.

Crank this...

2007-10-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i'm doing my thing at work. Which includes working, passing time, surfin the net, doing physics problems; blah blah blah. I go to one of my daily sites, allhiphop.com and check out the rumors page, or what new joint has been released and guess what I'm inundated with?

Soulja Boy.

Soulja Boy, for those that don't know, is the next Tevin Campbell. First, his name is as stupid as "Tevin" and second cuz he's the next "kid" performer that seems to be running with the big boys. i.e. 50 Cent and practically all "Southern" rappers (Derrty Derrty!)

I absolutely hate this shitty ass shades-n-hat-wearin-line-steppin-back-crankin tard. He's always wearing (or werrin, depends on if you are Derrty or not) these swap meet Wayfarer knockoffs that he puts his name on. How does he put his name on them? Well, he takes what looks to be White Out and writes it on the lens part. Soulja, then Boy, Soulja Boy. He's all over YouTube teaching idiots how to do the "Soulja Boy." He's at the forefront of all this promotional hype and this was intended. Its like if I sneezed and got all sorts of green shit in my hand and marketed it with the money this kid's using, I too could shoot a video of myself "Snot Handin" it and post it for others to learn to do. I'd call myself "Snot Boy."

I seriously doubt this shit is going down in a club. How many 21+ are "crankin dat soulja boy" in the club? Very few, if not none. Its been a while since I went to the club, but I know no one was doing the Macarena. Wait... strike that, they were doing that shit.

Anyway, this kid has come out saying that his intention was to put out a song that would sweep the nation, or some shit like that. He is lovin it, cuz 30 kids at a Lions Football game all started crankin dat shit when they played the song over the speaker. I got emabarresed. Not cuz I couldn't do said crank, but I was embarressed at how retarded they all looked and how in 10 years they are gonna look back and realize they were just doing the Macarena, 50 Cent style.

First day of the blog... first day of hockey.

2007-10-03T06:47:00.000-07:00

Today is my first shot at blogging. It is also the first day of the new NHL hockey season (for the Detroit Red Wings). Since I'm a huge Wings fan and I'm a little disappointed at the coverage hockey gets, I felt I should add a little to the season opener. So, I've been thinking about how much I hate the Anaheim Ducks. Here's a short list of why:

1)They were the Mighty Ducks from Disney. Zero credibility. Absolutely no hockey tradition. I can't respect that, no matter who is on their team.

2)Which leads to Sergei Federov. They gave Federov $10M a year and never wanted him, nor he them. It was a mutual signage between the two; they needed a name for the team, he needed out of Detroit. I'm not a Federov basher, far from it. I really like him as a player and IMHO he is one of the most amazing players to ever play the game. Gifted is the best way to summarize him. The BEST 2 way player I ever "saw" play (hold the Bobby Orr stories, I know). But he was in a downward spiral his last few years in Detroit. He needed out. But once Anaheim got him, they pretty much didn't want him, and they showed nothing to support him. At least both moved on, but they overpaid the wrong guy for the wrong reasons. That is why they get my second knock. For running a hockey team like a bunch of monkeys.

3)Pronger. Chris Pronger. F him. I hate that gumpy sack. No matter what anyone says, he's a piece of shit. Don't like him, never will. Oh, and Anaheim wanted him; glad you got him, now F you too.

4)They are in Anaheim. Don't mind Cali, myself. I have nothing against the city of Anaheim. But hockey doesn't belong there. Hey Disney; when you made the team, was it too much to put it in town north of the border? You know, where people care about hockey? Canada deserves more teams and those fans deserve to have a Cup winner. Did anyone even know in Cali that the Ducks won? Must have been the biggest news this summer. Just ahead of Lindsay Lohan's fire crotch coke rampage and Brit Spears vagina shot. But it clearly fell in between Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton's ass cheeks. Right in there, like half of "who's who" in L.A. I saw the videos.

5)Gary Bettman. F him too. Hey asshole, who gives a flakey shit about small markets in the south and Cali? YOU! You're the only one. Stop expanding hockey and improve the game you meglomaniacal ass. Its hockey, not the American Idol tour. Its your fault that Anaheim exists in the first place. Douche.

And that's the short of it. I just hope to see the Mighty Ducks get burned and never sniff another cup. GO WINGS!